Stephen Metcalfe

Selected Scene from LIGHTBULB

TWIG AND FRAN, BOTH ATTRACTIVE AND EARLY 50’S, ENTER.  FRAN ALSO WEARS A WORN, ONCE ELEGANT DRESS.

TWIG

Howdy?  You’ll never guess who’s here!  Look, Howdy.  Howdy, look.  It’s Fran!  The Kuklas are here!

HOWDY

Fran, is it you?

FRAN

Oh, I think so.

HOWDY

We didn’t think you were coming.

FRAN

Well, at the last moment we decided we would.  Are we late?

HOWDY

You’re early, Fran.  You’re the first ones here.

FRAN

Oh.  I was sure we’d be late.

HOWDY

You can always leave and come back again later.

FRAN

No.  I think we’ll stay.  It took forever to get here.

TWIG

Oh, it’s awful, isn’t it?  The inconvenience.  We almost never go out anymore.  And if we do, we come right back home.

HOWDY

Who wouldn’t?  Hey, where’s Folly?  Isn’t he with you?

FRAN

Of course, he is.  He’s out securing the car.

HOWDY

Whoa, is that the used, armed Range Rover with the turret roof he told me about?  I want a look at that.

FRAN

He’ll be happy to show it to you.  He’s so proud of it.

HOWDY EXITS

FRAN

Ask him to show you the security package!

(Then:)

We thought we might buy some fuel on the way.  Of course we couldn’t.

TWIG

Oh, we can’t even talk about it.  The cars are just sitting in the garage gathering dust.  It makes Howdy absolutely berserk.  Do you have enough to get home?

FRAN

We’ll manage.

TWIG

It’s really wonderful that you’ve come, Fran.

FRAN

Don’t be silly.  People entertain so infrequently these days that when you’re invited somewhere, it’s almost your duty to attend.  And besides, we’ve missed you.

TWIG

We’ve missed you too. So much.

TWIG PICKS UP THE LIGHTBULB.

TWIG

Oh!  Oh, Fran, darling, do you know anything about… these.

FRAN STARES AT THE LIGHTBULB A MOMENT.

FRAN

Ah.  Well.  Yes.  But no.

TWIG

The one up there doesn’t seem to be working.

FRAN STARES AT UP THE CHANDELIER

FRAN

Well.  It’s obvious, isn’t it.  It needs to be replaced.

TWIG

I know that, Fran, I know that, dear.  But how?

FRAN

Oh.  Right.  I’m not sure.

TWIG

This one’s been out for ages.

FRAN

Afraid I’m not the person to ask, darling.  I’m perfectly dreadful when it comes to handy work.  Perhaps Folly will know.

THE SOUND OF VOICES.  FOLLY AND HOWDY ENTER.  FOLLY, A HANDSOME, JUBILANT MAN, MID 50’S, ALSO WEARS A ONCE EXPENSIVE NOW WORN SUIT JACKET AND SLACKS.

HOWDY

So I said, hey!  Listen!  You want equality?   Try self-sufficiency first!  Try standing on your own two feet instead of depending on others for your daily bread.  That’s the first step towards getting others to respect you.

FRAN

Oh, Howdy, really, are you talking about impoverished people again?

HOWDY

Of course not.  I totally love and respect all impoverished people.  As long as they’re not here.

FOLLY

Howdy is talking about his ex-wife.

TWIG

Oh, really?  Which ex is this, darling?

HOWDY

The one before the one before you, kiddo.

FRAN

Was that the ex who snuck into your old house and tried to kill you but killed the ex you were married to at the time?

HOWDY

That’s the one.

FRAN

Howdy and his ex’s. I can never keep them straight.

TWIG

We put them into categories.  Foreign –

(a slight bow)

– and domestic.

HOWDY

I was telling Folly her latest mistrial’s finally coming up.  And!  I’ve now asked my long time killer attack dog to officially represent me.

FOLLY

Oh, we’re going to get the mad crazy this time, believe you me.  I plan on talking the children into testifying.  She’ll fry.

HOWDY

Folly also thinks we can claim a good part of the royalties of that book I sued her for libel on.  Ever take a gander at it?  I couldn’t get through it but it was all lies and I’m told was a hell of a read.

FOLLY

God, I can’t wait to try this case.  I’m going cut that woman’s self-esteem to ribbons.  I’m going to tie her mind into knots.  By the time I’m finished with her she’ll be a raving basket case.

TWIG

Yes, well, if I’m not mistaken, her primary defense has been that Howdy did that to her years ago.

HOWDY

All right, enough of the smart aleck remarks, what’s everyone drinking?

FRAN

Usual for me.

FOLLY

I’ll have the usual too.

HOWDY

Good choice.  The usual it is.

HE MOVES TO THE BAR.  

FRAN

Oh.

(Picking up the lightbulb)

Folly, darling, ever seen one of these before?

FOLLY

No.  My god.  What is it?

TWIG

It goes up there.

FOLLY

Does it?

FRAN

We were all hoping you’d have some idea as how it goes in.

FOLLY

Hmmm.  You know, we have some of these at our house.  When the power is working, they get bright.

TWIG

We know that, Folly, we know.

FOLLY

When the power is out, they go dark.

FRAN

Darling, please, you keep stating the obvious.  Twig wants to know what to do with it.  How to make it work.

FOLLY

Well.  This is only a guess mind you but judging by the threads here, it would appear to screw in.

TWIG

That’s what I thought.  We just haven’t figured out a way to get that one out so we can try.

FOLLY

Hmmm.  Yes, well, afraid I can’t help you.  I’m helpless when it comes to technology.  Always have been.

TWIG

Ah, well, perhaps someone will know.